Yeah, so..umm...

Here's the thing. When my mom calls me on Sunday nites, kinda late, my husband is usually asleep on the couch. So, I tend to wander about aimlessly through the house making tea, maybe having a smoke outside or update the flow chart of my mom and her G-Unit (I normally refer to her circle of pals as the 2 Live Crew, but I thought I would update it for the kids..ya know). So, the conversation meanders and we touch on many subjects, why contemporary art is crap, don't trust physicians, global economics and the pros and cons of quitting my job to be a barista, in France.

And so.. the hour becomes late and it is alas, time for me to go about my nightly rituals before bed, this includes the usual antics of waking sleeping beauty, rousting the dog and setting the sleep timer on the telly whilst deciding what to sleep by..will it be "Hitler's Women" on the History Channel or run the risk of a horrific Nelson Eddy and Jeannette MacDonald film on TCM? I usually opt for Audie's Gal's but there is always a chance that I get "Napoleon, the man who would" (who would what?..dunno). Anyway, here is where it gets peculiar.

I hang up the phone and my attention turns to the telly in the living room, and you know what? Invariably, this show on Showtime called "The L Word" is on. Now the interesting thing is, I know, for a fact, I have never turned Showtime on, let alone "The L Word" and I can hear my husband snoring on the couch the entire time I am on the phone so..how is that show being turned on (um, I wish I could have used another phrase there)? I thought at first it was some strange coincidence, fluke or electronic interference, mayhaps solar storms? I am thinking that it isn't as it has happened 4 times, the last being last night.

So, for some odd reason, I watch about oh, 15 mins or so of this, thinking that well, there must be something to this show, people do talk about it. Well, I know why...it's soft-core porn for males between the ages of 16 and 25 (give or take 5 years on either side). I won't get into all the hijinx and the tranny named Max (yes, that's right a female dressing as a male, complete with a goatee and a voice like Mr. Hanky..so wrong, on so many levels) but suffice it to say there is no plot line but lots of girl on girl action. Anyway, how is this getting turned on...on MY t.v.? Just to be clear on this, in the event that you don't know me all that well..let me give you an idea of how I feel about these things...see photo..here..

It's not that I am opposed to lesbians, or gays, it's that I am opposed to Girls Gone Wild, which, this show basically is only with much better lighting.

Thus,

My Only Question Is?
Am I married to someone who wants to get in touch with his feminine side in his sleep?

The World Never Fails Me

Hello, it's me...I've thought about this for a long, long while. Maybe I think too much bust something's wrong...sorry, Todd Rudgren interlude there.

Anywho..so I have been pondering what to observe/rant about. The State of the Union address? No, that's droll. Michael Jackson kickin' it way old school with his stylish black birkah in Bahrain? Nah...not all that newsworthy, if he went back to being black, ok..now that is news. Stuporbowl? Negative. So, what's left...ah..the unexplained mystery of the the ferry sinking in the Red Sea..yes that's it.

Now, I don't mean to poke fun at those poor souls who were lost in that tragedy so this is going to be more of a rant really.

First of all, who thinks that having a 35 year old ferry that crosses a body of water that has a depth of 3,000 feet is a good idea? Right, I see no hands up so I will move along.

Thirty-five years old. Think about that. I am a touch over 35 and there is no way in hell I would put someone on my back and try to swim with them anywhere! Not even in a kiddie-pool. Ok, so, people do have cars that are 35 years old or more that work...I accept that notion but, there are 2 types of 35 year old cars you see. The dude up the block tinkering with it all hours of the day and night, pouring fat cash and salty sweat into it OR it's on cinder blocks in the front yard with weeds growing up through the undercarriage, and the people who own it probably have either a still or a meth lab on the property. Am I right? Yes, I am.

So, let's just say, for the sake of argument that the ferry in question, was not one that would be tinkered with constantly, I mean have you seen any with candy-apple red paint on it? Flames detailed on the side? Tricked out chrome? Spinning hubs? I don't think so. Well, that leaves us with the 2nd option. The white trash ferry.

I know, I know..Egypt doesn't have a ton of dough just laying around to pour into thier transportation system, or anything else really. OR DO THEY?

See, I just read this article in the new "Art in America" about the new Egyptian Treasures Museum in the development stage. It's very, nice, in fact, lovely. Just how much do you figure they spent on that? I ask becuase I can't be bothered to google it really, I am reasonably sure it's a crap load more than spent on something like a ferry, or ferry upkeep.

The thing is, I think this accident is going to be some serious bad ass Karma for the government. Most of these people were coming back from the pilgrimage to Mecca, come to think of it, I don't think the Haj went all that well this year, I vaguely recall hearing about some stampedes and such resulting in death. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to be involved in is serious maiming or death around the holiest of holy days for any religion. No thanks..I'll pass on that.

Where am I going with this? Glad you asked.

See, anything 35 years old and up should not be doing the carrying and/or ferrying, but rather be carried and/or ferried. Since I include myslef in this category..

My Only Question is? Li'l Amigo or Li'l Rascal?

It was 250 years ago today..W.A. Mozart taught the band to play

Happy Birthday to Wolfie! Today is a special day, not because of Mozart's birthday, no, no, nay nay. Today is special because without the birth of the wunderkind, our ears would have never heard the greatest pop/rock song of all time! That's right, "Rock Me Amadeus" by the indomitable Austrian pop star, Falco (God rest his soul).

Why is this song so genius you ask? Let me tell you.

First of all, the song gives you a complete chronology of Mozart's life encapsulated in a 3 min song, in two languages no less!German and English. Observe, first in my mother tongue (sidebar: the English version is called "The Solieri Version", oh, touche!).

"1756, Salzburg, January 27, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is born
1761, at the age of five Amadeus begins composing
1773, he writes his first piano concerto
1782, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart marries Constance Weber
1784, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart becomes a free mason
1791, Mozart composes "The Magic Flute"
On December 5th of that same year, Mozart dies
1985, Austrian rock singer Falco records Rock Me Amadeus!"

Ok, so did you know Wolfie was a free mason? Nor did I! Thanks Falco! Think that is all? In the 2nd to the last line, you can have oodles of fun with that..how you say?

On December 5th of that same year, Mozart dies-now replace 'dies' with any cliche for death you can think of...like so

On December 5th of that same year, Mozart kicks the bucket
Mozart throws the baby out with the bathwater
Mozart pushes up daisies
Mozart takes a dirt nap, and so on and so forth. Makes a good party game, albeit after about 2 hours of playing quarters.

Right, so we have the basics down, but let's get to the nitty gritty or as the Austrians would say, UND NITT UND GRITT.

Let's take the same verse and see how it pans out in German.

Es war um 1780
Und es war in Wien
No plastic money anymore
Die Banken gegen ihn
Woher die Schulden kamen
War wohl jedermann bekannt
Er war ein Mann der Frauen
Frauen liebten seinen Punk

See the difference? I know what you are thinking. "No plastic money anymore", why that's not German! No, it sure isn't and furthermore it makes no sense what so ever, but WHO CARES? It's funny as all hell isn't it. Try reading it, best as you can out loud, you'll see and I am sure you will agree. COMIC GENIUS!

Here's the thing, pretty much anything in German is funny. They spell comedy with a 'K'! In case you were not aware, the first rule of comedy is: EVERYTHING IS FUNNIER WITH A K! That, is about 60% of the German language right there, you see where I am going with this. Still don't buy it? Consider this, exit in German is AUSFHART, which I know..doesn't start with a "k" so it sort of dillutes my point, but then is it...wait, what? Right, got that, moving on.

Back to the matter at hand. Another fantastic detail about Rock Me Amadeus is, Falco was a marketing genius! I mean, did he know that in 2006 Austria and much of Western Europe would celebrate Mozart's birthday for an entire year? You could spend a year dissecting this song alone (and I just may do that). I mean hell, even here in Los Angeles, there are banners for 250th anniversary hootenanny's with the Philharmonic! How many times do you suppose that Rock Me Amadeus was played on the radio, internet, satellite today? I would guess a whole lot. A friend of mine put it in simple terms for me today, "It was a commercial marketing coup from beyond the grave"! She's right you know! Madison Avenue needs to take a lesson.

Alas, Falco has been long gone from our world and unfortunately, died pretty much the same way Mozart did, eerie parallel, no?

So....Happy Birthday Mozart and R.I.P Falco

My Only Question Is? Just who benefits from the royalties of such a classic masterpiece?

Have I mentioned that when "Entourage" is on the telly.....

I begin to feel like I am about to have a psychotic episode? Not like a run of the mill episode either, I am talkin a full on Charles Manson psychotic breakdown. But, what does that mean exactly? What would constitute a "Charlie M. Episode"? I mean like say, would I carve a pseudo-Nazi symbol on my forehead? Would I write incredibly lame songs and poetry and try to pass them off as art to my admirer Axl Rose? Would I begin to do strange erratic dances and refer to everyone as WOMAN? Not sure. What I am sure of is I think I know way too many Charlie quirks don't you?

I digress. This show Entourage drives me mad, it is so insipid! The thing is I cannot even articulate exactly what sends me over the edge about this, maybe it's the 10,000000 times I have t o hear "Did James Cameron call"? Why is it that every single time this damn thing is on I hear this? Now see, I don't watch this show (well that's obvious I suppose) but my husband does, I will get into that at some other time. See, I have heard this line blaring from the t.v. and you know, each time I hear it I think, oh it must be the same damn episode, but noooooo, they say it all the time, in LA, in Aspen, in NY and Krishna knows where else.

The whole damn thing is just so..well absurd, ok well I don't know the whole plot line but let me tell you that right now, the agent is driving up the coast with the top down and the soundtrack is...drum roll please..."Sympathy for the Devil", all I can think of is the diminutive Tom Cruise driving in San Fran after he disposes of Christian Slater at the end of Interview with a Vampire, it was cheesy then, and it's cheesy now..

So, my only question is? Who watches this drivel?

Is this mic on?

So, I have done this blogging bit before and maybe, just maybe I can actually do this one for more than say..oh, 3 weeks. I tend to get distracted.

In any case, there should be a lot of questions to be posed as my betrothed is gearing up for his first real big art show in 2 weeks, it will be, humm..chaotic, yes that is the word.

I will have much to report and retort upon soon, till then I leave you with

"That'll do pig" ~Babe